Nate, i appreciate your review.. I have proofread this, but I just didn't notice some of those things. I wrote this in the little spare time I have. I'll make those corrections.. eventually.
Rage the day
of crying light
of dreams to stay
to know what's right
Rage the man
inside the cage
feel his hand
feel his rage
Rage the sage
he knows too much
a book whose page
cannot be touched
Rage the mind
for it is lost
and it binds
but that's the cost
Rage the day
cause it is lost
it failed to sway
our soul's exhaust
Nate, i appreciate your review.. I have proofread this, but I just didn't notice some of those things. I wrote this in the little spare time I have. I'll make those corrections.. eventually.
Proofread.
a book who's page
but thats the cost
to know whats right
cause it is lost
I have to agree with Arashi about those lines. Very good. Great imaging and its uniquely vivid even with a lack of adjectives. Very very good.
*thumbs up*
For a beginner on this forum, I have to agree with the others: this is a very well-written poem.
You have carefully chosen your rhymes and have created some inspired imagery in places - "Rage the day / Of crying light" - but in other areas, it needs more work. Take this stanza:
"Rage the man
inside his cage
feel his hand
feel his rage"
While the appeal to the touch sense is an excellent idea, you could have deepened your detail and thus made your images more vivid. So:
"Rage the man
locked in a cage,
that traps his hands
with a tinge of steel rage."
This brings us neatly to the need for punctuation here. Like the last piece I reviewed, punctuation can really help out your audience unless you deliberately want to obtain a certain effect. It allows your reader to stop, think and consider what you've just said. A lack of punctuation marks will make us rush through your piece, unable to fully appreciate your message and meaning. You should also watch your repetition of "Rage". Using it a couple of times is fine (placing it at the start and end is particularly effective) but going overboard can make it sound tired and stale.
You've done a good job so far. Keep editing and re-writing and this will be great!
Good luck!
Gahks
7/10
Sorry for this late review!
My brother, Griffinkeeper, and I did a video critique for you. That is, first we read the poem out loud, then we commented on it. It should give you a fairly good idea of which parts are awkward and which parts are awesome, so hopefully this will help you a lot in your endeavor to become an awesome poet. 
Watch the video here: http://revver.com/video/1310492/affilia ... e-the-day/
Hope this helps!
Not bad my freind, but it is just the begging! It is really cool but too short. I am a typ of guy that likes long poems and lyrics!
Hey Henry, and welcome to YWS!
This is a very well written piece! You are a natural at poetry, although, there were some points that bugged me.
Firstly, you must remember to always put punctuation in poetry, so it will make it easier to read.
It failed to sway
Its an exceptional piece of work. Keep on writing like this and I guarantee you'll forget the little people lol jk
"Rage the sage
he knows too much
a book who's page
cannot be touched"
These are great lines
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