Published November 10, 2008
Rage the day
of crying light
of dreams to stay
to know what's right
Rage the man
inside the cage
feel his hand
feel his rage
Rage the sage
he knows too much
a book whose page
cannot be touched
Rage the mind
for it is lost
and it binds
but that's the cost
Rage the day
cause it is lost
it failed to sway
our soul's exhaust
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140,871 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Nate, i appreciate your review.. I have proofread this, but I just didn't notice some of those things. I wrote this in the little spare time I have. I'll make those corrections.. eventually.
Proofread.
For a poem as short as this, you really shouldn't have spelling errors or simple grammatical mistakes such as this. In fact, I'm not sure how people can call this well-written when such a simple error (and others) went unnoticed by the author. I don't mean to be harsh, but if you want people to give your poem the respect it deserves, then you have to proofread.
Anyhow, "who's" should be "whose."
Again, proofread. "Thats" should be "that's."
And again...
This isn't a grammar mistake, but you should generally avoid the word 'cause.' It's a colloquialism that deters from the rest of the poem. Changing it to "because" even makes the poem flow better.
Next time, proofread.
I have to agree with Arashi about those lines. Very good. Great imaging and its uniquely vivid even with a lack of adjectives. Very very good.
*thumbs up*
For a beginner on this forum, I have to agree with the others: this is a very well-written poem.
You have carefully chosen your rhymes and have created some inspired imagery in places - "Rage the day / Of crying light" - but in other areas, it needs more work. Take this stanza:
"Rage the man
inside his cage
feel his hand
feel his rage"
While the appeal to the touch sense is an excellent idea, you could have deepened your detail and thus made your images more vivid. So:
"Rage the man
locked in a cage,
that traps his hands
with a tinge of steel rage."
This brings us neatly to the need for punctuation here. Like the last piece I reviewed, punctuation can really help out your audience unless you deliberately want to obtain a certain effect. It allows your reader to stop, think and consider what you've just said. A lack of punctuation marks will make us rush through your piece, unable to fully appreciate your message and meaning. You should also watch your repetition of "Rage". Using it a couple of times is fine (placing it at the start and end is particularly effective) but going overboard can make it sound tired and stale.
You've done a good job so far. Keep editing and re-writing and this will be great!
Good luck!
Gahks
7/10
Sorry for this late review!
My brother, Griffinkeeper, and I did a video critique for you. That is, first we read the poem out loud, then we commented on it. It should give you a fairly good idea of which parts are awkward and which parts are awesome, so hopefully this will help you a lot in your endeavor to become an awesome poet.
Watch the video here: http://revver.com/video/1310492/affilia ... e-the-day/
Hope this helps!
Best poem I've ever read Period.
Not bad my freind, but it is just the begging! It is really cool but too short. I am a typ of guy that likes long poems and lyrics!
Hey Henry, and welcome to YWS!
This is a very well written piece! You are a natural at poetry, although, there were some points that bugged me.
Firstly, you must remember to always put punctuation in poetry, so it will make it easier to read.
This part bugged me, because you were doing so perfectly with the syllables! You did it mostly 3 syllables, sometimes four. But here is this 5 syllable line. I'm sorry, maybe I'm just a perfectionist, but maybe change it to "Failed to sway"?
I apologize if i was a little harsh.. Pm me when you edit it!
*Emily*
Its an exceptional piece of work. Keep on writing like this and I guarantee you'll forget the little people lol jk
"Rage the sage
he knows too much
a book who's page
cannot be touched"
These are great lines
This is pretty good
Not bad not bad at all!